Welcome back to The Society Dispatch. Let's get into it.
In 1736, Benjamin Franklin had an enemy.
The man was a fellow member of the Pennsylvania General Assembly, powerful, well-connected, and openly hostile to Franklin. Franklin needed his support but couldn't get it through the usual means. Flattery hadn't worked. Logic hadn't worked. So Franklin tried something that sounds completely backwards.
He asked him for a favor.
Specifically, he wrote the man a letter asking to borrow a rare book from his personal library. The man sent it. Franklin returned it a week later with a polite note. The next time they met in the Assembly, the man walked over and spoke to Franklin warmly for the first time. They remained friends until his death.
Here's what was happening in that man's brain.
When we do something for someone, we unconsciously tell ourselves a story about why we did it. We don't say "I helped Franklin because he's politically useful." We say "I helped Franklin because I must like him." We justify our behavior by editing our feelings.
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance reduction. When our actions and our attitudes don't match, we change our attitudes to fit. It's much easier to decide you like someone than to admit you helped a person you disliked for no good reason.
This is why asking someone for a small favor is often more effective than doing something for them. When you do something for someone, they feel the social pressure of obligation. When they do something for you, they edit their own feelings to match their behavior. You become someone they've already decided to invest in.
The practical version of this is simple. If someone seems indifferent to you at work, don't go out of your way to help them first. Ask them for something small instead. Their opinion on a project. A book recommendation. Help with something minor. Give them a chance to invest in you.
Their brain will do the rest.
This week: Think of one person whose opinion of you matters and who seems lukewarm toward you. Find one small, genuine thing you could ask them for. Not a big ask. Something they can say yes to easily. Then watch what happens to their energy around you over the next few weeks.
Until next week. Study people. They're fascinating.
Gabrielle
Founder, The Persuasion Society
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