The mistake that makes you more powerful

Cordelia Ashgrove had answered every question at the meeting perfectly, and she still walked down the staircase alone.

She works on the top floor of an old stone building with tall arched windows, and she is very good at her craft. Her leather notebook is full of careful observations, her research is always thorough, and when a senior member asks a hard question at council, Cordelia already has the answer. The senior members admire her and her fellow members respect her. Somehow, though, almost nobody asks her to join them for dinner afterwards.

Cordelia is not cold. She just never makes a mistake, and that, oddly enough, is the problem.

In 1966, a group of psychologists found something that would have surprised Cordelia very much. Being a little bit imperfect can make people like you more, but only if they already know you are good.

Elliot Aronson, Ben Willerman and Joanne Floyd sat students down and played them a recording of a man on a quiz show. In one version, the man was brilliant. He got nearly every answer right, he was an honours student, and he even ran the yearbook. In another version, he was only so-so.

Then came the funny part. In some of the recordings, you heard a clatter and a groan. The man had spilled coffee all over his new suit.

Here is what happened. When the brilliant man spilled his coffee, people liked him more. When the so-so man spilled the same coffee, people liked him less.

They called this the pratfall effect. If you seem perfect, people keep their distance. A small mistake makes you feel more human, and that lets them warm up to you. The catch is that it only works if you have already shown you know what you are doing. If you have not, the mistake just makes people trust you less.

A lot of people get this the wrong way round. They try to seem soft and friendly first, before anyone has seen how capable they are. That usually does not help.

There is a bit more to it. In 1970, Helmreich, Aronson and LeFan wrote a follow-up paper with a great title: "To err is humanizing, sometimes." They found the boost mostly worked with people who had average self-esteem. People with very high or very low self-esteem preferred the skilled person who never tripped up at all. Also, these were small studies of college students listening to a made-up man on a tape. So try it carefully, and pay attention to who is in the room.

First, show what you can do. Make your case clearly, let your research hold up, and answer the question the head of the inner circle thought would stump you. Once people can see you are good, you have a little room.

Then let one small thing show. You might notice a smudge on a page of your notes and say, with a half-smile, that you were in the archives later than you meant to be. You might admit you have been mispronouncing a fellow member's surname for a year. Or you might simply say you do not know the answer yet, and that you will bring it to the next meeting.

Keep it small, and keep it away from the thing you are meant to be expert at. Spilling a cup of tea is harmless; getting your research wrong is not the kind of mistake that helps.

Do not pretend. A mistake made on purpose is easy to spot, and it costs you more than it gains. The honest little ones are already there. You have just been covering them up.

Watch what happens next, because the room often softens. The fellow member who used to keep you at arm's length may suddenly ask what you think. That is the pratfall effect, quietly doing its work.

Think back to the man on the quiz show. The coffee only helped him because everyone had already watched him answer nearly every question right. Cordelia has done the hard part already, since the senior members know exactly how good she is. What she has never done is let them see that she is human too. The same is true for every Initiate. People admire the one who never makes a mistake, but they tend to like the one who makes a small one, once they already know how brilliant that Initiate is. So prove yourself first, and let the little flaw show second. Get the order right, and you will be both respected and liked.

The Society grows one invitation at a time. Forward this to the one Initiate you know who's brilliant and still too polished. They'll thank you.

Study the mind. Command the room.

The Persuasion Society